im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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