Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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