is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
