Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
