I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
