You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
