Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
