All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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