i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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