I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
