Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
