I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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