I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
