So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
