im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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