eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
