i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
