you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
