i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
