Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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