dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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