I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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