I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
