I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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