Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
