I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
