Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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