i wish there were pregnant emoticons
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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