If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
