happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
