Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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