I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
