Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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