My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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