i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
