I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
