Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
