Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
