things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
