I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
