I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
