I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
