I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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