I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
