Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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