I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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