hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
