No awkward lesbian experiences without me
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I deserve this hangover.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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