OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
