3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
