I wish I could teleport
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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