I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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