I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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