Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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