Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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