We're facebook friends in real life
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
