what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
