my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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