I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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