I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
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Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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