Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
