areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the day after is always just damage control
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
